Understanding Parental Alienation
Parenting, often depicted as a blissful journey brimming with love, joy, and picture-perfect moments, can sometimes take a distressing turn, especially when confronted with the harsh reality of Domestic Abuse, or Parental Alienation. In a world awash with idyllic family snapshots, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by comparisons, particularly when facing challenges with our own relationships.
My past blog posts have all been about how parents can help their children through temper tantrums, sensory meltdowns, and the like. But what happens when mom is trying to parent with a spouse or partner who has no interest in being her parenting partner? When she feels like she’s swimming against the current and doesn’t have anybody to throw her a life raft? Not only that, but she feels like her partner is the one who threw her in the river and then blamed her for her predicament. What happens when a mother doesn’t feel seen, heard, and respected in her own home? When a mother’s basic needs are not being met, she still has to wake up every morning, put on a brave face and make sure her children are living their best lives.
In this blog post, I’d like to dive into something called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), which occurs when one parent uses the child/children as weapons against the targeted parent. Parental Alienation Syndrome is not officially recognized as a mental health disorder in diagnostic manuals like the DSM-5, but its effects are undeniably real and devastating. It typically arises in high-conflict custody battles or contentious divorces, where one parent seeks to undermine, destroy, or even erase the relationship between the child/children and the other parent. PAS can also rear its ugly head when a toxic partner is confronted with their abusive behavior or is served with divorce papers. This manipulation can take various forms, including denigrating the alienated parent, limiting contact, or outright fabrication of stories to paint the alienated parent in a negative light. It’s not uncommon for the toxic parent to secretly confide their “concerns” for the targeted parent to the child/children to further their alienation strategy. It’s a distressing scenario where one parent manipulates a child’s emotions to foster unjustified fear, anger, disdain, contempt, and/or resentment toward the other parent. This psychological manipulation can have profound and long-lasting effects on both the child and the alienated parent. This is child abuse.
The Motivation Behind PAS
The motivations driving parental alienation are complex and multifaceted. They can stem from unresolved feelings of anger, resentment, or bitterness on the part of the alienating parent. In some cases, it may be an attempt by one parent to maintain control or assert dominance in the post-divorce dynamic. In most, if not all, cases, underlying issues on the part of the alienating parent, such as personality disorders, unresolved trauma, or mental health struggles can exacerbate the situation, making it even more challenging to address.
What to Do if You’re Affected by PAS
If you suspect that you, as the alienated parent, are being targeted for parental alienation, it’s essential to seek support and take proactive steps to address the situation. This may involve finding an attorney experienced in domestic abuse and parental alienation syndrome. If you’re going through a divorce in Massachusetts, Foundations Family Law is your ideal partner for assistance.
Supporting the Child/Children Amidst Alienation
For the alienated parent, supporting the child/children despite the estrangement is paramount. It requires maintaining open lines of communication, expressing unconditional love and support, and refraining from disparaging the other parent in return (this can be extremely difficult to do but is essential). Additionally, efforts to educate the child/children about PAS are likely to prove futile, potentially leading them to feel their intelligence is being undermined. They might respond with statements like, “Do you really think I’m so easily manipulated? How dare you!” Another important point to consider is not allowing your child/children to disrespect you. They may have been trained to treat you with disdain, disrespect, and contempt but it’s important for you to protect your boundaries. While It might be tempting to ignore snide comments and hurtful remarks just to maintain a connection with them, it’s essential to recognize that allowing such behavior does no favors for either you or your child/children. It’s crucial to acknowledge that your child or children are just as much victims in this situation as you are. Children naturally harbor an innate love for their mother; negativity towards her is learned behavior. When feelings of contempt, disdain, and disrespect arise, they are often instilled through external influence rather than stemming from the child’s inherent nature.
Seeking Support Amidst the Struggle
If you find yourself as the targeted parent in a parental alienation scenario, the realization can plunge you into profound despair, leaving you feeling utterly devastated. During such challenging times, it’s vital to reach out to supportive loved ones, as well as therapists or divorce coaches, such as Lisa Happ, who are specifically trained in narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, and parental alienation syndrome. These professionals can provide invaluable guidance and support tailored to your unique situation.
Furthermore, if you find yourself struggling with overwhelming emotions, including suicidal thoughts, it’s crucial to seek immediate help. Please don’t hesitate to call the suicide hotline at 988. Your well-being is paramount, and there are caring individuals ready to provide assistance and support during this difficult time.
Read more about parental alienation here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/parental-alienation
Disclaimer: While this blog post primarily discusses scenarios where the mother is the alienated parent and the father is the alienator, it’s essential to recognize that parental alienation can occur in various family dynamics, regardless of gender. The roles depicted here are not exclusive, and the dynamics of parental alienation can manifest in any parental relationship.